Well apparently it is going to be more difficult then I thought. The restraining order will help but it was suggested by the receptionist that I find legal aid before I file. The problem with this is; I have no money, I left my life and career when I left him. In some ways I don't even want to do this, which makes it even harder. I know I can accomplish this if I can just stop lying to myself. Tomorrow I will look for some kind of non-profit legal aid. I hope that will work.
It is 3 am and he has caused another sleepless night. It's amazing how even when you leave hell the devil still finds ways to torture you. Nightmares wake me up almost every night, visions of a knife coming through the door with shouts of hatred coming from the other side. I don't know why I let it go on so long, sometimes I feel like an idiot. This is ironic because his favorite thing to call me was stupid. Even now when I make simple mistakes I hear him yelling "See I told you, you’re a fat idiot”. Sometimes I have to shake my head almost like I hope if I shake it hard enough the memories will drip out of my ears. Needless to say it never works and I just look like an insane women. This is why I write, hoping that if I get it out on paper; it will stop haunting me. Unfortunately he is not the only one who haunts me. Until I find the courage to write about the other secrets I keep, I fear I will remain the victim of these demons.
Its funny growing up in a Christian home even the word divorce was thought of like a cuss word. I think its ignorance, I really think some people have no idea what kind of "evil" is really out there. It’s amazing how your views can change when you’re beaten and verbally assaulted by the one you love. I remember one day taking a bath while my daughter was taking her afternoon nap. I was submerged in the water rinsing my hair and as I came up all I saw was this grey object coming towards my head. Unfortunately I did not loose consciousness and as my head started to throb with excruciating pain I saw little spots of blood in the water and the reflection of the man I loved. My heart raced with fear again when I saw that familiar shaking with his eyes bulging and spit spewing out as he yelled. I saw him raise the v.c.r. towards me and I raised my hands and legs to guard the blow. The v.c.r. hit me so hard in my leg that it broke open that's when he hit me again in the arm and one of the pieces stuck in to my skin. All the sudden he threw the v.c.r. to the ground and said "There now we have no v.c.r., so your fat ass can stop watching movies and clean the damn house".
I didn't cry, I didn't even make a sound. I got out of the bath and dried myself off with a towel. I took a pair of tweezers and some alcohol and pulled out the piece of v.c.r. myself and then poured alcohol over the wound. I swallowed the knot in my throat and grabbed my cami and tied it around my arm. I sat for a second not thinking, not crying, just staring at the bath still full of pink water. Then I thought of my daughter in the other room and went to check on her. She was still fast asleep, she looked so beautiful I couldn't keep the knot down anymore and I started sobbing uncontrollably. As I went to close the door and go back to let the water out he pushed me to the ground.” You need help Jack this isn't you this isn't the man I fell in love with" I whispered trying not to wake my daughter. "Oh I need help do I, you’re the one that's letting your daughter live in filth, what kind of mother is alright with that?" he replied "That's not fair or even accurate, what your saying makes no sense don't you see that?” I pleaded with him. His fist began to rise up. "Please Jack your daughter is sleeping, please, please do not do this. I don’t want her waking up to see her father acting like this!” Unfortunately what I said didn't matter he began to shake again his eyes bulged out and a wad of spit hit me right in the eye. Then his fists came and he just hit me over and over again anywhere he could get to. Then all the sudden he got up and left, slamming the door behind. I looked over at the crib thankfully Leslie was still asleep but I got up to make sure. As I looked at her laying there I was happy she didn't witness the horror that just occurred 2 feet from her crib and worried that one day she might.
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